It’s almost a year since I did the Landmark Forum, the course that resulted in the most profound experience of my life. And I continue to have breakthroughs about how to live, and being in the world.
I’ve been thinking about day one of the Forum, and in particular, a question I asked the course leader, “Is this a self-help course? If so, why should it work when I’ve got a bookshelf of self-help books that haven’t worked?”
With only a bit of sighing, Jerry from New York said something along the lines of the following. Self-help books, self-help techniques, are about change and about striving and about the concept of “better.” For example, we want a better relationship with our husband or wife, a better job, a better income, a better relationship with our kids, and so on. Change, however, leads to more of the same (apparently, the saying plus ça change, plus c’est la même chose is not ironical, but deadly serious) and change is always about tiny increments over a long time involving hard work and struggle.
Transformation, on the other hand, is a whole other concept. Transformation does not involve work or effort or striving, but is effortless. It does not involve a long period of time, but is achieved in an instant. And this is the case because transformation is simply the act of revealing what is already there. There is no absence, which, as in the change paradigm, needs to be filled. Rather, it’s about “too much”, too much “ca-ca” in Jerry’s words. What is perfect, sound and sufficient has gotten covered up with “ca-ca”, and thus the act of transformation becomes one of “disappearing” or giving up things.
Change is an act of accumulation; transformation, an act of divestment. Change involves effort, striving, increments and time. Transformation is effortless and occurs in an instant.
Sounds pretty good, doesn’t it? Especially the effortless part.
I didn’t fully understand the answer then, and I’m still learning about it now. But I’ve also learnt that understanding something – the “why” of something – is one of the least interesting things about it.
So while I’m no longer in the “why” business, as it were, I got, unbidden, another clue about transformation and the failure of self-help this week. It was in a book by a psychotherapist about treating people who have suffered childhood trauma.*
The author suggests self-help books don’t, and can’t work, because they are not about relationship, and healing only occurs within relationship. She focuses on the relationship between child and caregiver, the failures of “attunement” that may occur in this relationship, and a treatment method that involves re-doing the attunement, this time successfully, with another.
When reading this, it struck me these two ideas – the necessity of relationship, and attunement – are also present in what I’ve learnt from participating in Landmark Education. And while Jerry framed his answer to my question about the difference between self-help and Landmark Education in terms of change vs. transformation, he could just as well have said, “because self-help is about an individual, while Landmark is about relationship, and it’s only in relationship we come into being.”
As for attunement, how better to describe the process, the feeling, when I’m authentically sharing myself with another, and a channel suddenly opens up between us, and coursing through that channel, in both directions simultaneously, is something for which there’s no other word but love?
*****
* It’s Not Your Fault: How Healing Relationships Change Your Brain and Can Help You Overcome a Painful Past, Patricia Romano McGraw
I heard somewhere that the Landmark Forum was a successor to est. Is this true?
Whatever. I did est nearly thirty years ago, and the most important thing I learned from it was being responsible for one’s emotions, rather than being at the effect of them. Thus if one is angry or jealous, then be so, but manage the anger or jealousy responsibly, ie in an adult way.
Transformation was also a big thing with est. It had to do with problems or issues clearing up (and thus disappearing) by looking at them (or holding them) differently (holding them in a different context). Thus transformation.
I found, though, that after the few weeks of afterglow from the est training, I went back to being the emotional basket-case I’d always been. I noticed the same dynamic with others too, who had done est.
Transformation isn’t easy, I’ve found!!
Hi Phillip. Thanks for the great comment. The Landmark Forum is a successor to est. The taking responsibility is a big one, isn’t it? I need to re-learn that every day. Had a laugh at the afterglow effect. Very familiar. Now I do some assisting every few weeks to keep in practice or I re-start sharing with others (every time i go back to basket-case end of spectrum, it’s because I’ve stopped communicating).
Hi there graduates ,
Avoiding the responsibility of cleaning up by interneting and there it is responsibility in my face and the reminder of Landmark being in the present taking reponsibility just for one’s self and actions and wow transformation does happen
Just want to sayto Philip Landmark honours EST graduates and you can repeat The Landmark Forum at a reduced rate . Do it, it is the same, much more considerate and yet completely different. I’ve done the series and coaching on SELP assisted on various events and courses and some extra day programs
Hi Nerida. Well, what a coincidence you should be a Landmark graduate too. Thought you had a twinkle in your eye.
More good stuff here – just got lost on a couple of issues …
1. “What is perfect, sound and sufficient has gotten covered up with “ka ka” ” Should this have been ka ka (seemingly an adjective) or ca-ca (a familiar term from my french childhood). My personal experience is the latter would be more appropriate, ca-ca being a cute synonym for the inauthenticity which is sadly ubiquitous
2. “self-help is about an individual, while Landmark is about relationship, and it’s only in relationship we come into being.” Don’t we really have to transform ourselves as individuals before we can transform our relationships? Think I need to read this a little bit further to properly understand this distinction
AE xx
hah, yes, Jerry meant your kind of ca-ca :) I’ll edit it tout de suite!
About your point 2 … mmm, both of these points apply I’d say. Transformation as individuals, and our coming into being through relationship. There’s a distinction you haven’t yet got which comes in the Advanced Course and that’s “self as other”. Right now, where you are, it’s all perfect; it’s exactly where you’re meant to be. And when you do the Advanced Course you’ll get more.
SG