Great to have someone interact with the post so closely. Thank you.

Yes, getting “complete” in Landmark’s terms is pretty similar to your own process. At least that’s how it looks from the outside, and boiled down to steps. In Landmark terms, however, the real shift occurs not at the level of “doing” (eg, steps) but at the level of “being”. So attempting to describe in a blog post what happens is pretty ambitious and sort of doomed, if you know what I mean : ) Still, I love sharing about it.

The thing that happens at the level of “being” is a “giving up” of something and that’s what makes the difference. For me and many others I know it has literally taken minutes. In my case, I’ve got complete about a whole lot of stuff. By far, the most significant is the relationship with my Mum. We had been at war for almost 30 years (my Mum’s OK about me using our relationship as an example in public). We just couldn’t be with each other in any way, not in person, not even on the phone. We had many years of estrangement, and many more years of hurt and suffering. I lived most of my days in rage, carefully covered up.

Then I did the Landmark Forum in September 2008 and on the afternoon of the second day the penny finally dropped. I saw who I’d been being in relation to my mother and in relation to myself.

I rang her on the very next break (the first time I’d called her in months) and in a five minute phone call both of us completed 30 years of torment. I never would have believed it possible. It was the most profound experience of my life.

Since then our relationship has been completely transformed.

You could say the phone call took 5 minutes or 30 years, depending on your view.

I’ve also seen people feel they had “completed” something only to have it resurface. I’ve experienced that too in relation to some things. For me, it’s meant there was something I still hadn’t given up. I think sometimes it takes more than one shift. The main thing is that if it doesn’t “work” the first time, nothing is lost in the process; ie, partial completions, let’s say, don’t “queer the pitch” or damage the situation. They just indicate there’s a little way to go.

I wish you all the best with whatever you’re dealing with. Feel free to let me know whether this has answered your question. Best wishes, Narelle x

As I understand it “completion” as you call it is pretty much the same thing as closure to non-Landmark participants. At least the way you describe the process it closely resembles the process I use to come to terms with ghosts in my past. In other words; 1. Separating fact from feelings about the facts, 2. Being responsible for your part in the events, and 3. Apologize or atone or talk it out with a third party if necessary.

The problem I have with your process is the time frame for all completions. “Well, it’s ludicrously simple, and takes only minute or two.” It seems to me that by intellectualizing the process you have forgotten to adequately address the emotional aspect of very serious problems. Grieving can take months to complete and it is healthy to do so.

I have known several individuals both in and out of Landmark that have “completed” a serious situation only to have the emotional aspect resurface later, sometimes years later to disastrous results. These were people who were certain that they hade dealt with their problem.

If you could clarify your position on this I would appreciate it. Thanks
Type 2 WD

will this be your first novel? no reference to previous novel’s on “about me” page.

just “trying” to read a first english edition of Flaubert’s November. It seems a poor translation, the intro is ridiculous, doubtful Gustave would have approved.

What actually happened in M’s case is that her brother died. All the rest, including even “I will never know if it was due to negligence on the doctor’s part,” is part of the story she/we have invented about what happened. Getting complete is about seeing the “what happened,” shorn of its story, its drama.

A completion conversation is simply one person (A) sharing what happened with B, and B simply getting what they said (not sympathising or enlightening or instructing). Because A already knows (just like K in my original post). Right, now I’m off to write a spy novel … ciao, sgc

can’t sleep, hope this is last post for tonight, which means i will sleep.

you were clear. maybe i wasn’t? i was trying to play the part of M and literally apply the steps.
M was certainly replaying what should and shouldn’t have been over and over in her mind. so i gave my best attempt at a “completion conversation”.

M says – “my brother died” and “i will never know if it was due to negligence on the doctors part”.

it is wonderful how much landmark has changed your life and your willingness to share insights.

M seems a perfect example of someone unable to apply the serenity prayer. and in the spirit of sharing, oh boy can i relate!

i am no fan of unsolicited advice, but i wonder if M might have been ready to hear the words, “you seem so unhappy, (pause for reply) the loss of a loved one is a terrible thing, (pause for reply) would you like some advice (yes proceed) there may have been a way for you to find out the facts at the time, but that is no longer an option, (pause for reply) is there a way for you (M) to grieve the loss of your brother without giving the doctors the power to live rent free in your head?”

sometimes people are ready to lay down their burdens, they just can’t see the way out. oh boy can i relate!

there is a very cute zen short about it. here is a poor retelling; an old master and his young student are walking on a rainy day. in their path is a rich woman who refuses to cross the road because she does not wish to get muddy. the old master bends down and carries the woman across the way. she does not thank him. the master and student continue their walk, all the way the master is silent and the young man complains about the woman’s rude behavior. finally the master stops and turns to the young man and says, i put this woman down miles ago, why are you still carrying her?

have a great day.

To get complete, M would follow the same 2-3 steps I wrote about.

i just noticed “be the first to start a conversation” above comments. following the self-help tag, there was more than one thing missing from the advice M was receiving… how to “move on”, how to “find closure” or how to “become complete”.

if i understand correctly the M’s indignation, shock and sadness was running her life? so how should M apply the steps?

when i try to fill it in, i can’t get past my brother died, then might add i will never know if it was due to negligence on the doctors part.

sadness regarding the death of a loved one has no time limit. i am not sure there is a wrong way to deal with grief.