Today is the beginning of a new series of posts on real conversation. I’ve touched on it before; now I’m going to be focusing on it for a bit.
By real conversation I mean something very different from our common understanding of conversation, which is better called “talk” or “monologue.” No, the phenomenon I’m thinking of is enormous and startling and, if you’re anything like me – at least, how I was until about two years ago – completely unsuspected.
It’s the kind of conversation in which you come to know another human being in a whole new way, and in turn, be known in a whole new way. It’s the kind of conversation you can have with anyone, although the people close to you – your husband, your wife, your children, your friends – will be those most longing for it. Apart, that is, from yourself. For you too are longing for it, even if you don’t know it.
A staggering power of creativity
Previously, I borrowed the psychological term “attunement” to describe the experience of being in one of these conversations:
As for attunement, how better to describe the process, the feeling, when I’m authentically sharing myself with another, and a channel suddenly opens up between us, and coursing through that channel, in both directions simultaneously, is something for which there’s no other word but ‘love’?
Yet it’s actually more than attunement. Because the attunement allows something else to come forth. Something new and magical comes into the clearing, something completely outside yourself. That is, real conversation of the type I’m discussing has a creative power that will stagger you.
Another aspect of being in one of these conversations is that at a certain point there’ll be a profound stillness, a profound hush. You’ll notice it most fully if you’re having a real conversation by phone, in which case it’ll seize your ears. It’ll be a silence much longer and deeper than any you’ve allowed in a previous conversation. And you will not be bothered. You will not rush to fill it, because you will not experience it as an absence, but as a presence which, as you’re experiencing it, will make you feel more alive, more here, more connected to another person, than you ever have before.
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I’ve had many of these real conversations in the last two years, and I’ll share some of my experiences, together with the deeply unpromising clay of my life BC (before conversation), in future posts. For now, I want to look at one aspect of conversations in general: how listening gives speaking.
Listening gives speaking: an experiment
Sounds weird, yes? Well, try this quick experiment, which I did in one of my Landmark Education courses, with another person.
One person becomes X, the other, Y. X chooses a topic they are passionate about, something they really cherish. X begins speaking about the topic, giving it all their passion and enthusiasm, while Y does everything to show they are not listening. Y squirms, yawns, looks away, gets up, nods off, for example. All the while, X proceeds valiantly.
What happens? After just a few minutes of this, X will begin to doubt, even despise, their topic, and eventually, will no longer be able to speak.
Now, repeat the experiment, only this time, Y is attentive, respectful, listening.
Notice the difference? It’s amazing, isn’t it? It’s actually the listening that gives – literally, causes – the speaking.
More anon.
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Image: by soylentgreen23 on Flickr
hi Sgx,
love the topic. can’t wait to hear what you have to say :)
wondering if blogs are conducive to “conversation”? when you write your magazine article on blogs, perhaps we might have a link?
also had to giggle on the use of “monologue” to describe conversation. who hasn’t come across this?
with(out) thomas permission, i will quote him; “My point with respect to religion/ideology is that too many people define themselves by their ideology and that cuts off dialogue. Basically, someone who it too interested in telling others what they believe isn’t very interested in hearing about what others believe/think.”
my response was; “there are so many examples of this in blogs and life, for many reasons. but i get that people expect more “zeal” from someone talking about religion.”
so many people seem to be so “desperate to be heard” that they are waiting for the other to stop talking just so that they can give their own “non-responsive” speech.
amazing! really… because if you desire to be heard you must first listen. it is not a guarantee of reciprocity, but it’s a good start.
True, if you want to be heard you must first listen. And yes, it’s (only) a start. Because the type of real conversation I’m thinking of is outside even reciprocity. And it’s outside blogs too, because the type of real conversation i’m thinking of involves being with another.
Great post and I look forward to reading more of what you have to say on the subject. Unfortunately, Facebook and Twitter only serve to perpetuate the “What I’m thinking/doing/saying is the most important thing in the world right now” mentality.
Dafna–yes you have my permission to quote me any time! You are so right about people not listening. The objective of too much communication is to make a point, not to exchange ideas.
thanks thomas,
i did not want to offend you by poaching.
Sgx, gets credit for the wonderful sub-topic of “people not listening”, as it is the what Y is doing. i only gave “one” possible motive for the non-listening.
D, I encourage you and anyone else reading to actually do the experiment. You’ll discover much more than I’ve discussed.
So true. Lots of our “communication” is about winning, dominating, being right. It’s the antithesis of the kind of real conversation I’m thinking of. To have a real conversation is about first giving up our desire to win, dominate or be right. This the number one prerequisite.
You might have got a laugh out of the cartoon in The Age newspaper yesterday. Crowded train; everyone sitting heads down staring at their laps where their “devices” are; a father and son the only ones looking out the window and excited by something they’ve seen; father to his son: “Everyone’s so engrossed in ipods, iphones and ipads, they’ve forgotten to use their ieyes!”
The listening producing the speaking…
You must be listening right now.
It reminds me of something said to the fact that we are not the ones that choose the door, the door chooses us.
“La puerta es la que elige, no el hombre.” Jorge Luis Borges
Ah, that’s very apt. Trust Borges. Thank you.