Barmaid wisdom


Beware of yachties bearing jugs of rum and coke.

A man doesn’t necessarily stop talking when he goes down like a felled tree.

When starting out, attach yourself to an older barmaid, preferably a woman in her 50s. She’ll teach you how to be of service so you enjoy the work, even when the night is long and the bar empty.

Elderly lady bowlers can sit on a seven of shandy for several ends.

Most people learn the hard way how to carry a tray of drinks; consider that you’re most people.

On a morning shift, cut the lemons and celery for the Bloody Marys before you do anything else.

The two finest words in the language: “staff drinks”, otherwise known as “staffies”.

Most exhilarating moment of the week: Friday 6pm, the seething, raving mob four-deep at the bar, you and your colleagues moving as one, making music of tap and glass and money.

Most satisfying moment of the week: Sunday 12:30am, floor hosed, washing machine on, till counted, staffies in progress, dancing ahead.

When a patron asks you what bra you’re wearing so he can buy it for his wife, he’s not really thinking about his wife’s breasts.

Try not to drink all the wedding punch before the bride’s father arrives.

Riding a bicycle is no defence against a charge of “driving under the influence”.

When a patron’s wife asks you about her husband’s whereabouts the night before, tell her she needs to ask her husband, not the barmaid.

Never attempt to go to bed without first dancing till 4 or 5am.


Image: The Bar by John Brack (Australian, 1920-1999)

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