A clearing for passionate love


I have a friend who is the distinction “passion”. Five years after she began a relationship with her man, she is as entranced as she ever was, and he with her. They have seven children between them from previous marriages, and they make the whole thing work, and with ease. When they’re together, the rest of the world drops away. We become onlookers.

Yesterday, she shared with me how she does it. In the beginning, she says, I just had absolute trust in him sexually. From the first moment, I trusted him in that area. I didn’t trust him in other areas, but in our sex together, it was absolutely right from the start. Then I started to bring my feeling about him in the area of sex, that trust, to other areas … You know, there were many humiliations I had to overcome. When he’d speak about L (his ex-wife), and he’d say he had to do this for her or that for her, or he’d race off to do her bidding, I had to find a way to deal with my feeling of humiliation. And he’d feel guilty about L, and also he’d say thoughtless things to me and I had to find a way to deal with that too. I remember one day he said, “If I hadn’t known you before, I would never have gone out with you. I never would have been with a single mother with kids,” and it was really hurtful, and I just had to remind myself again and again that he loved me. I’d tell it to myself, and I’d write it over and over in my journal, “He does love me, he does love me.”

This area of passionate life has always been important to me, she says, including in my marriage and before that too. When we’re out walking or going somewhere in public, we both notice couples holding hands, or kissing, and we compare notes when we get back home, “Did you see those two? Didn’t they look adorable?” When we were in Europe last year we both spotted a couple in their 60s, and we fell in love with them from afar; they were cuddling and kissing, and we liked seeing them and their love.


My friend is a clearing for passionate love. When she goes out, that’s what she sees all around her: passionate love. Who she is, who she be, has the world show up for her in a certain way. The world shows up for each of us according to who we be.

What are you a clearing for?


Image: Girl with a Pearl Earring, c 1665 by Johannes Vermeer


12 thoughts on “A clearing for passionate love

  1. The kissing and cuddling is nice, but love is a lot more. Consideration, respect, good listening, mutual acceptance and encouragement of differences. There are as many aspects of love as there are seed heads on a beautiful thistle. With good nurturing, they are all capable of germinating.
    I love that painting and also the movie.


    • I see my post hasn’t communicated itself to you as I intended. For me it’s about the courage one woman has brought to the test of generating love and trust after marriage breakdown, and I am moved by my friend’s sharing herself authentically, sharing the stuff that usually gets covered up. She isn’t talking about love in general or saying it’s about kissing and cuddling only.


  2. I get what you’re saying about her saying ‘He loves me, he loves me’ and all. I just wonder why he relived what seems like baggage so openly, his past, I mean. Seems insensitive or inconsiderate. I suppose they’ve worked through this area since they’re passionate at this point.


    • That’s what I liked about what she said. She was straight about how the baggage comes in anyway and he can be insensitive and inconsiderate, despite his love and commitment to her. She wasn’t dressing it all up. She was being honest about it and what it takes.

      For someone who’s dealing with stuff after marriage breakdown, or who doesn’t have a partner, like me, it’s good to hear honesty. Most times I’m not hearing ppl being honest about their relationships. For myself in this area I usually experience either hopelessness or fantasy, and hearing her being straight was refreshing.


  3. This may sound odd, but I’m a clearing for lost souls–the kind that are here and you can see, and the kind that haven’t moved on after death. I sense when they are “stuck” here and can’t find their way. I help them to that healing place “in between.”


    • I like that you heard the question and I like your answer. You’re a clearing for lost souls. Very useful, and fitting for someone whose name means lost!! (I remember that from your book :)

      I’ve been thinking too about what I’m a clearing for and I think it’s courage. I see it wherever I go, it moves me to tears and I’m committed to being it in my life (sometimes generating it, sometimes not).


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