Following on from the series of posts about the non-silence inside us, including Radio NST (Non-Stop Thinking), I came across this email from a woman describing what her internal radio is saying to her. It was part of a project run by ABC Broadcasting in Australia which solicited listeners’ descriptions of their “inner voices” and what they are saying.
If I have to have a radio playing non-stop in my head, please let it be the channel Silvana is tuned to! Here is her email …
For a number of years now, whenever some “shameful” moment comes to my mind, or when I feel silly or do something silly, have doubt about my abilities, a voice in my head clearly says (often out loud) the words “I love you”.
This happens relatively often, even more than once a day, sometimes for small things.
Please don’t laugh! At first, it made me even more ashamed. Then I thought it was a reaction to the end of my 22 years of marriage, that maybe I was telling “someone else” that I loved them, as I used to tell my husband.
But after a while, I recognised the pattern … so now when I hear those words in my mind, or even utter them, I know I am telling myself: “It’s OK, it is not that bad, nothing to worry about, don’t be ashamed”.
In a way, I’m telling myself I should forgive myself, even for past things.
And since nobody says it anymore, after the loss of a loving person who, I felt, loved me no matter what … now I tell myself that I am loveable.
~ Silvana, by email
Image: How much is that doggy at the supermarket?